“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
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Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.