Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
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Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Happy Star Wars day!
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
omg leave her alone
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.