HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
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maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.