I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
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My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
my nickname in college
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
The fall of Netflix
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]