Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
You Might Also Like
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
inside you are two wolves
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?