Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
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pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
me when I see my crush
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin