When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
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My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Salad is the decaf of food.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.