[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
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me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Received some very disappointing news today
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Best spot.. 😅
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send