I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
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The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
My five year plan is a meteorite
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣