I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
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I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
called in thicc to work this morning
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
A friend helps you before you need it