“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
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When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.