Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
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Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away