[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
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My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*