Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
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Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
what it’s like dating me:
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Well, shit