I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
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First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Me, in DM rooms…
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?