I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
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Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Probably my best painting.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons