Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
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*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Remember folks 😂
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.