‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
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I was once killed by a shark escalator.
You wish you had this many chins.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls