[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
turning my gender off to conserve energy
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
bro: she stressing u out g??
me: