My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
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A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.