When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are