Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
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Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
dutch so unserious
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents