Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
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Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
“you recording!?”
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”