[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
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ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe