My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
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Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]