Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
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Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
relationship goals
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.