A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
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Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog