What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
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I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Barbie gone wild
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.