You Might Also Like
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Strange
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
It do be feeling this way.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.