“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
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Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
liiiiiiiiike
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?