[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
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Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.