I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
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Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.