i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
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Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex