respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
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– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Heroic Misunderstanding
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare