“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
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I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them