*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
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How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Going into Monday like
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️