*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
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*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!