[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
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I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.