Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
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[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Kids, do not try this at home!
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.