Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
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Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk