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I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Warm pools make me nervous.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.