Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
You Might Also Like
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I’m in glove with you.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.