I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
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OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush