My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
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Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
The internet is magic sometimes.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order