ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
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I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
who wants to go expliring
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger