Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
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*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Going into Monday like
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.