If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
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I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Do one person every day that scares you.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.