“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
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If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
hey, alexa
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?