Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
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My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
who called it hell and not heaven’t
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person