No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
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Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors